


`{/ YCW ♠ 2k13 } :: So I Let Love Go

by The Yullenator (Baniita)



Series: `{/ YCW ♛ 2k13 } Until the End, I'll Fight Alongside You [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Hate Sex, Love/Hate, M/M, Yullen Celebration Weeks 2k13, Yullen Week 2013, sex acquaintances become lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:20:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baniita/pseuds/The%20Yullenator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yullen Celebration Weeks 2k13 entry. Dec. 19th, Philophobia: n. the fear of falling in love.<br/>Allen simply wanted someone to relieve his sexual tension with, and decided that Kanda would be the least hassle. They hated each other mutually, and it was no secret. There would be no kissing, no confessions of love, no bullshit.<br/>Of course, he was wrong. And so, he let it go, but Kanda had different plans.<br/>Warnings: Clicheness, overused tropes, angst deux machina, sleep deprivation, and... Sloppiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	`{/ YCW ♠ 2k13 } :: So I Let Love Go

**Author's Note:**

> Entry for Yullen Celebration Weeks 2k13  
> December 19th - Philophobia  
> [See http://yullen-week.tumblr.com or .livejournal.com]
> 
> I wrote the rough draft of this in Japanese class. (*cough*) This was supposed to be a half-reared drabble, but I ended up spending many hours on it. It's still a mess, but it gets the feelings across. If you catch any grammar mistakes (tense changes), please let me know. I'm not afraid of constructive criticism--I prefer it over no comments at all.  
> There are barely any participants this year, but I hope you enjoy.  
> Apologies in advance for any melodrama.

They’ve never kissed. Not on the lips, no.

It wasn’t a spoken rule, it was just something both Kanda and Allen decided was unnecessary for the nature of their relationship.

Still, Kanda had no problem going down on the other man around unsurvaillanced hidden areas of the Order, revolving his tongue around the pink head, taking him in whole, and committing unspeakable acts of lewdness with his mouth.

“Kan… _Kanda,_ it’s going to—” Allen gasped, and bit his left hand in order to prevent from crying out as his orgasm hit. The semen came out in waves, and filled the Japanese man’s mouth, as some overflowed and dribbled down  his mouth. He didn’t break eye contact with Allen as his gazed up, and the silver eyes locked with his, unable to look away. The semen was spat into a tissue, and what remained on Kanda’s lip was brushed away by an ebony black thumb. Allen’s free hand fidgeted with the taller man’s belt—something he decided that he now _hated_ , as it really was _annoying_ and he was so very curious to see just how hard he made the man, and Kanda couldn’t get undressed fast enough. He was tempted to rip the buttons off at that point, but he didn’t want to hear Johnny say: “ _but that’s the 3rd button this month!_ ” When at last he rustled the front open, and freed Kanda’s erection, he began stroking at the familiar organ in rhythmic motions, sometimes breaking to massage the head or the scrotum. He kissed and licked a trail down Kanda’s chest, who occasionally nibbled on Allen’s ear.

Their sexcapades had been ongoing since the past four months.

Allen supposed he could’ve decided on anyone else to relieve himself with, but every time he re-examined their situation, the conclusion was the same. Women were out of the question, as there did not need to be any more children involved in the war than there already were, and they simply fell in love too easily. Lenalee was definitely the cutest, but he didn’t think she was worth fighting Komui for, if Allen were to be honest. Lo Fwa was possibly the sweetest girl he had ever met, but Allen knew about her feelings for him, and so she too was considered too dangerous. He could never even consider taking advantage of their feelings. Even Lavi, who was confused enough about his role as a Bookman’s successor as it was, cared too much about him.

**_They all cared too much, and it terrified Allen._ **

Except Kanda, of course. He didn’t give a damn. Really, he was the perfect choice. It was simply an added perk that he happened to be the most beautiful person in the Order, not that Allen would ever admit aloud.

**The idea of falling in love—an overrated concept anyway—with someone beyond simple infatuation, terrified him deeply.**

It wasn’t out of nowhere, even though Allen would claim it was. There was so much tension between them even when they’re simply in the same room. He didn’t notice it himself, but it was brought to his attention that he and Kanda glared at each other too much to be healthy. He _honestly_ didn’t think he paid that crude man that much attention.

 

 

* * *

  
So four months ago, when Allen felt a slight bulge, which he soon recognized as Kanda’s crotch, as the Asian man had him pinned down during a sparring match… It wasn’t that surprising to him. Kanda immediately withdrew and left the room in heavy stomps, and Allen had to chase after him to the showers. When he found Kanda, the man was dousing himself in cold water, practically willing his half-erect penis away.

The English boy snickered. “Is that what you always do when something like that happens?”

He earned a glare.

“Hey, don’t look at me. You’re the one who doesn’t know how to relieve himself,” Allen said flatly.

He turned away. “Che… It’s none of your business.”

“Actually, _about_ that,” Allen said as he assumed a very technical smile, “We _could_ discuss an arrangement benefitial to the both of us.”

Kanda looked upon his smile in scrutiny. _“You piss me off.”_

“Alright, I won’t smile like that anymore if you hear me out.”

_“Liar.”_

_‘He knows me too well’_ , Allen noted, despite making it a point not to try.

The white-haired male propped a chair against the door, securing it to make sure they won’t be interrupted, and approached Kanda anyway. “Here, let me finish you.”

_“You’re fucking kidding, right?”_

“It’s going to hurt~ If I don’t~” Allen sung, with all the sincerity he could muster up. Which wasn’t much. “It’s my fault in the first place, anyway, right?”

Kanda sighed. “ _Ugh,_ just… Get it over with, then.”

Allen grinned at him again, and the man furrowed his eyebrows in response.

“You said you wouldn’t… Hnn..” the man groaned, as Allen tugged off his wet clothes under the water, and starting pumping the shaft.

“Ah, well, yes, I tend to lie. _Sorry about that._ ”

“That was another lie.”

The liar rested his chin on the taller man’s shoulder, and grinned with true amusement, but the latter man never saw.

 

 

* * *

  
“You have to understand your role as an Exorcist to truly app—” Link spoke to no one in particular. As soon as he realized the absence of the presence of a certain suspicious white-haired individual, he scanned the vicinity in a panic with a 420° turn. “W-Walker?! Where did he escape to… To lose my tail again…” Link muttered as he began his search for that individual, “He’s getting better at this.”

Meanwhile, Allen’s ass was being pounded into, against the wall of the room Link would think of as the last place to look.

 _“Ngnaah… Ahh! M-More, Kanda. More…!”_ Allen begged, and clawed his Innocence hand into the wall, making uneven, jagged streaks.

“Greedy little bitchsprout,” the addressed male muttered under his breath, as he increased the pace of his thrusts, never missing the prostate with each push.

A few moments later, Allen’s breath catched. _“Oh,”_ he gasped, and he reached backwards with one arm to grab Kanda’s head. The raven kissed his nape, and the other male came from being stimulated from the back alone.

Kanda smirked at his accomplishment as his pride welled up.  He knew he was close. A few pants later, and Allen turned his head, and glanced at him seductively. He tightened himself further and slammed himself up and down Kanda’s shaft in perfect synchronization with his thrusts. The taller male’s vision blurred to white as he bit Allen’s pale shoulders, and came inside him in throbbing waves.

They panted heavily as they collapsed in each other’s arms, and Allen forgot to leave.

 

* * *

  
It was only when Allen woke a few hours later, and after a few minutes of quiet admiration from a distance too close, that he realized what position they were in. He trembled, and scrambled, and dashed away from Kanda’s hold and away from the bed. He hurriedly grabbed his clothes, and Allen had never dressed himself before as fast as he did then, even when on the run.

The Japanese man’s eyes fluttered open, and his arms felt emptier than before. He watched the white-haired male gather the rest of his belongings, before leaving, without even a ‘farewell’, or a promise of a later meeting. He didn’t understand the irritation bubbling up inside him.

When Allen reached his own room, he slammed the door, slid down it on his back, and willed his heart to stop pounding. However, the breath-taking view of Kanda’s serene, unguarded, and beautiful expression didn’t leave his mind.

_Allen buried the thought of ever wanting to feel those lips against his own._

 

 

* * *

  
That day, after their mission, an argument that was supposed to be as petty as usual, escalated too far.

Allen had refused him way too many times.

“Weren’t you the one who suggested this arrangement in the first place?”

The instigator gulped. He wasn’t sure what to say, and was conflicted. “I just… Don’t feel like it today, _alright?!_ ”

The thought that Allen likely grew tired of him, pissed Kanda off to no end. “ _Hah,_ I bet anyone would’ve been fine in the first place. Why the hell did you ask _me?_ ”

 _“Excuse me?_ Are you calling me a _slut?!”_ Allen snapped.

“Well, _are_ you?!” the Japanese male roared.

 ** _“Fuck. You. Kanda,”_** he seethed through clenched teeth. The crass words felt alien on his tongue, but they were accurate enough.

“ _Not today,_ right?” the other mocked.

Allen gaped, and was speechless as he was unable to convey his rage. He finally took a deep breath, and assumed a fake, and gentlemanly mask. “Very well, then let’s end this. This… silly charade.”

Kanda’s eyes widened. “Wait, don’t you fucking _dare_ —”

“I wonder where Link is? I’ll go find him. He can’t his eyes off me, you know?” the shorter male spat, bitterly. Kanda’s stomach boiled with rage. As he left, he slammed the door behind him so fiercely, that the panels shattered.

He turned the knob to pursue Allen, but it broke, and he had to settle with brute forcing his way through. As he turned left and right to decide which way the other went, he met Lenalee.

“Kanda…? Is Allen alright?” she asked in concern.

“Did the idiot go that way?” he guessed.

“Y-Yes.” She couldn’t even get the second part of her sentence in, as Kanda chased after him.

Lenalee looked at the door hanging on its hinges, and sighed.

When he found Allen, the latter hid his face as he leaned against the wall, with his fist clenched.

**“ _Don’t._ ”**

Allen smiled, but his voice cracked. He wasn’t crying. He sounded defeated, and… _Tired._

Kanda was unable to say anything. 

 

* * *

  
Perhaps nearly a year had passed since then.

Allen definitely did not regret ending it when he had.

The loneliness lingered, but he was sure he saved himself from an even deeper void.

He had wanted to fight his war alone. He was still sure it was the only way, despite Johnny’s protests.

Kanda had finally reunited with the one he loved, and even though they’re separated in body, as long as Kanda kept his promise to Alma, he would belong solely to Alma. He no longer needed Allen as a distraction. Allen was sure of it.

When he saw Kanda again, he was sure his rib cage would burst. The overwhelming happiness and relief hit him as soon as he saw the man alive and well, but that feeling was quickly corroded by the bitterness that accompanied it. It hurt when Allen decided to let him go. Now that he returned, how was he supposed to do it again? He cursed Kanda, over and over for it.

And yet, he came back, and Allen couldn’t understand why at all. He didn’t understand why Kanda chose hell for the sake of something as trivial as atonement, instead of peace with the one he loved.

What he understood was that Kanda was there out of guilt.

What he didn’t understand was why guilt was enough to drive him to abandon the peace Kanda obtained, which they sacrificed so much to obtain.

Perhaps ‘revenge’ would have made more sense.

He still didn’t know, and Kanda couldn’t explain it to Allen, as the latter laid unconscious on the bed. Johnny was still by his side, holding his hand, something Kanda could never do. He wasn’t the kind of person Allen needed the most, right now, he believed.

There was still so much he had to say to Allen, but as always, he was unable to convey them.

 

* * *

  
“W-What?! Wait… Kanda, you’re leaving?” asked Johnny.

Kanda plopped Allen’s body onto the bed, who somehow managed to escape with the scientist from the crossfire of the Earl and Apocryphos. “Yeah. There are things I still have to do. I made an agreement with the General. …I will return,” Kanda said, firmly. It was a promise.

“Wait, just… Let me speak to him!” The curly-haired man rushed out the door, and probably attempted to convince Tiedoll to let him stay. But Kanda had already decided.

“There’s something I must do.” Kanda looked at the limp body, fighting itself for control, as it occasionally tossed and turned from dreams. He shook the body. “Oi, _moyashi!_ ”

“Nn… gh…” Allen mumbled, absolutely exhausted.

“You can’t sleep. Don’t dream. You have to run. Baka moyashi, do you hear me?!”

“Kanda…?” said Allen. He was about to retort, “It’s Allen”, but he honestly didn’t know anymore, and so he just closed his mouth.

Kanda’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. **_“Allen,”_** he said, firmly.

The addressed man widened his eyes, and flushed. “Yes, that _is_ my name after all.”

“I’m going to go find out the truth.”

The Noah’s host was skeptical, to say the least. Kanda didn’t explain it too deeply, and all he really said is that he was returning to the Order.

“If you waste the rest of your life, _I won’t forgive you._ ”

“If you give into the 14th and lose yourself, I’ll fucking kill you _myself._ ”

Allen laughed, emptily. “…Fair enough.”

The raven turned to the door, but Allen tugged at the back of his jacket.

“Kanda, _I’m serious._ I left behind everything to save you two, so you two could finally rest in peace. Johnny says… That you’re here because you regret your actions. I won’t believe it. I felt the weight of your emotions in your memories, at that time. Your love was worth more than anything to you. Worth more than something as stupid as guilt.”

“Coming from you, who’s horrified of something like being in love… What the hell would _you_ understand?”

“I—“ Allen choked on his own words. So Kanda knew about his fear.

“You felt the emotion in my memories of the past. What about the present?”

_“What?”_

“You ran away, first, over the most stupid thing. And yet, like the little hypocrite you always are, dared to call me out on running away.”

“Can you _blame_ me? **You weren’t worth it.** You even had someone you loved so much as your past self, that you—“

Kanda took his lips, harshly. When Allen fought it, desperately, Kanda kissed him more deeply, until Allen had no more protests drawn from flimsy excuses.

 **“ _Don’t you fucking tell me ‘I’m not worth it’ again,”_** the Japanese man snapped.

 **“ _No one is ever worth it!”_** Allen shouted heatedly. “ **Every time I find people important to me, I _lose_ them!** The feeling is even worse when it’s someone I love! You, of _all people_ , should understand the fear of being forced to kill the one you love! You can put me in the same situation a hundred times, and I would’ve done the same thing, every time!”

 Kanda sighed. “Let me be clear. I will never forget about Alma. **But as of this moment, I want to fight at _your_ side.** ”

Allen’s eyes grew wide at the confession.

“There are a milion reasons for which I hate you, one of them being that even  in the face of total despair, you shined hope. If you’re going to shine a false light, at least _live up to your lies!_ ”

 _‘He’s right,’_ Allen realized.

“Don’t you _dare_ fucking lose,” Kanda threatened, as he left.

“Wait, Kanda.” Just one more time, Allen wanted. He grabbed Kanda by the collars of his jacket, and kissed him again for good measure.

“ **I’ll be waiting** ,” said Allen, as he watched the Asian man’s back as he left, and the door close.

He felt his own conciousness fading again, and a foreign one rise, and he desperately fought it, repeating the same mantra over and over.

**“My name is Allen Walker. _I’m not afraid of anything._ ”**

**“I’m not afraid of myself, my past self, or anyone else.”**

**“I am _not_ afraid to love. I am _not_ afraid to fight. My name is Allen Walker, _and I’m an Exorcist!”_**


End file.
